in no particular order
6. my cat is chubby
7. i am chubby
8. i love food
9. i love exercise–alcohol sabotages this work.
10. my career goals will be realized FASTER
11. mommies don’t drink
12. i want to be a good wife
13. i think that life can make you feel good in a natural way, but i forget.
monday morning was particularly painful today. this is due, in large part, to the twelve beers that i consumed during my superbowl party last night. don’t get me wrong–we had a good time, laughter and TONS OF FOOD. but for some reason it was necessary to have not one or two but ten or twelve beers with my plates of food. i feel disgusting.
i’ve toyed with the idea of giving up booze for good before. and the hesitation in the title of this post alludes to the fact that this time might be no different then before. but i think it might be. i am not telling a single person, but the entire internet. no really, i’m not telling anyone. at least not right away, i want to tell my boyfriend who is part of the inspiration for this move, but it is too delicate right now. he will see my strength soon enough when i turn down one of his home-brews.
you see, before i would do a 30 day challenge or a ‘only weekends’ policy. but something i have probably always known about myself and never fully admitted is that i am an all or nothing kind of girl. this is true of my work, my relationships and unfortunately my eating and drinking. so when someone asks ‘would you like a glass of wine?’—i not only always say yes but in my brain i hear ‘no–i want the whole bottle’.
i’ve proved time and time again that i have not a talent for moderation, therefore i plan to stop 100%. this makes me sad and my fear of being an un-fun, un-cool square is looming over me today. my hope is that is the beer-brain talking and not my real brain.
all support and criticism is welcome.
Remember drives to school (or anywhere) that included the deanster telling us “I will pull this car over!”? Better yet the day she actually did? It was just over the Petersburg bridge. No one knew what to do after she pulled over…so Joe got out and we all just started laughing? I miss simpler times. I fear my anger and hurt will never let me feel that happy again without knowing you are there.
I was thinking on my way home today that I created this private blog last year as a portal for me to feel like we are speaking. My primary reason for revisiting was the fear of forgetting. I want to remember everything. Every memory, every laugh, the way you look and the talks we had. I want to tell my future husband and children every detail about you; i never want you to just be a story told over and over again either. I want you to be real to them, and as real as possible to me. I have been having terrible waves of missing you both each morning on my train to school and in the evening as soon as my head hits the pillow. It’s a terrible feeling of utter helplessness.
I thought one way to relieve myself of this would be to talk to you. Directly. In my mind anyhow, this is has ‘real and ‘direct’ as I can be. I would like to jog my brain for 1 memory of you in each post. I will start with a happy memory–do you remember the Vikings?
I giggle just writing it. It was summer, we were at a lake house around a camp fire. All of us kids were around, and Uncle Butch decided it was a good time to start telling stories. It began with ‘The Vikings are coming…included something about donuts and lots of rowing…and ended with us laughing until we were red in the face. The story lived on because each time Butch would call the house, he would never say hello but only ‘Do you remember the Vikings?’.
I miss you so very much and find it so unfair that you left us early. i know this is a selfish thought, but I only wish I could know that you are better where you are and not have to just think about it. I guess that’s what Faith is all about…i am still learning. Stay with me!
Mom and dad were here for my birthday, we drove north to the coast and it reminded me of our Maine trip…another story for another time. Morrison is doing well, he has a new window to sit in and the rumor on the street is that there is a GIRLFRIEND loitering on the back porch making inappropriate noises-scandal! Do you remember when I strategically left Kitty at home in Maumee while she was going through heat?
P.S. I will only refer to myself as Caity here because you are the ONLY person who ever could and will ever be able to call me by that name.
I realized after writing a personal message to you on Facebook that I would rather write to you more directly and privately. I haven’t grasped your absence in my life, and I am not sure I ever will. I went to your school when I was home last, the woman at the bookstore spoke of you fondly, it was a neat place.
I want you to know that no matter how angry I was, I never ever ever ever stopped loving you. You and I always saw eye-to-eye, and that camaraderie is something I will miss a lot. When Mom, Joe and Dad start getting to me in the way you know they do, although you aren’t there physically, you can still remind to laugh and move on.
I will write you as much as I can, keep you in the loop about my life. Watch over Mom and Dad, I worry about them. I miss you and your hugs. I know Morrison does too.
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